


comfort

by PinkJasMink



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, i have no idea how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 09:20:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3351425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkJasMink/pseuds/PinkJasMink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not that man. Levi always thought. Till the day he meets Erwin in the hospital after he lost his arm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	comfort

Levi never felt the delusional urge to comfort his Commander.

It's not comfort, when they come back from an expedition and Levi joins Erwin in his office after they were forced to hear all those pointless accusations. Because Erwin never falters. He does not cry or mourn for lost comrades. He has no words of comfort for young soldiers or the families left behind by the people they lost.

It's not comfort when Levi hands Erwin a cup of tea and they sit in silence while everyone else long went to sleep. Because Erwin doesn't need comfort. He's hard as rock, withstanding even the biggest surge with seemingly no effort at all. He doesn't smile, his voice always hard and unyielding, telling the truth no one wants to hear.

It's not comfort when Levi tells Erwin that he trusts his decisions. Because Erwin doesn't care. He always puts the sake of humanity before everything, even when it means throwing aside that part others would call him _human_ for. He just has that one mission, to make the world a better place. To help the human race rise once more.

It's not comfort when Levi tells Erwin that he will follow his orders without a second thought. Because Erwin knows. His voice is always sharp when he orders his soldiers to fight to their last breath. He knows what he's asking. He knows the world. He knows the horrors that lie beyond the walls. Knows what it feels like to watch someone die in a Titan's grasp. Knows the sound of shattering bones, the stench of a Titan's breath, the endless cries of agony. Erwin knows all that, but it doesn't define him. His decisions are not for the dead, they are for the living. He stands unbroken, with a firm hand, always a step ahead, when he tells his soldiers to die for the sake of humanity.

It's not comfort, when Levi says to Erwin he will die for him if he has to. Because Erwin is ready for it. He's seen so many people die, a few more, hardly seem to matter. Erwin is ready to sacrifice everything. Ultimately, even himself, just so humanity has a chance to win the war against the Titans. Erwin is the thriving force in the Survey Corps, mind always clicking and roaring with new tactics and ideas that could get them closer to victory.

It's not comfort when Levi calls people  _pigs_ and  _morons_ after they called Erwin  _heartless_ and  _inhuman_ . Because Erwin is not concerned about what they think of him. He doesn't value a single person's life over everything else. He's sincere in his beliefs and never strays from them. He's honest, benevolent, even if no one can see it. His orders roar louder than the Titans, silence the tremor of the ground. His voice cuts, cuts the strings that hold soldiers to the world.

It's not comfort when Levi tells Erwin he's right. Because Erwin doesn't want to do the right thing. He just wants to free humanity from the cage they call  _safety_ . He wants to break the walls and ride into a world that's  _free_ . Even if it means he has to become a  _monster_ first.

It's not comfort when Levi tells Erwin he's not a monster. Because Erwin is ready to be one if it helps them to extinguish the Titans from this world. It's the only thing he cares about and that makes it easy to follow him. Erwin is not selfish. He's determined, ready to loose in order to win.

It's not comfort when Levi climbs into Erwin's bed to let those big hands touch him. Because there's no point in trying to comfort someone who's able to comfort himself.

It's not comfort when Levi licks the sweat from Erwin's chin and moans into his ear. Because Erwin doesn't have anything left that needs comfort.

He's not inhuman. Levi knows that. But sometimes, he wonders, if Erwin is already dead. If he would just drop to the ground with the last Titan, if he'd make if that far. If the only thing that keeps him up, is the will to see humanity rise again. And once that goal is accomplished, he can finally rest.

Sometimes, Levi thinks about that. But he knows, it's not true. Erwin isn't inhuman. He's simply ready to sacrifice. He's ready to sacrifice himself and others, even if he's called a monster. He wants to change the world and because he doesn't do it for himself, Levi finds it so easy to follow him.

 

No, Erwin doesn't need comfort in this world. Levi always thought that.

 

Not that man that is so determined to sacrifice everything. Not that man that takes every word, good or bad, with the same stern expression. Not that man that works so hard for humanity, that he seems to forget he's human too.

 

Not that man. Levi always thought. Till the day he meets Erwin in the hospital after he lost his arm.

 

He looks battered, skin pale, cheeks a little hollowed, stubble on his chin. He looks shattered, hair a mess, a crumbled jacket hanging from his shoulders, arm missing. But he doesn't look less  _Erwin_ . He just looks as hard and unyielding as ever, taking his loss at a small price. Levi doesn't pity him and Erwin doesn't want pity. He's unyielding. But, for a moment, he unravels. Even if it's just a bit.

It's shortly after Hange arrives with Coonie and they share a theory, that makes even Levi's skin crawl. The possibility of Titan's not being much less than humans. It's then, that Levi catches that smile on Erwin's dry lips, the way his eyes stare into nothing. It's then, that Levi realises, yes, Erwin is just a human too.

Erwin, brushes it off and Levi, does too. They keep on talking, but Levi is not stupid, and when everyone else leaves, he stays. And for the first time, he doesn't know what to say.  _Erwin doesn't need comfort_ , he thinks, but he doesn't believe it any longer.

"How's your ankle?" Erwin asks into the silence, issue of how they're going to continue their mission long clarified.

Levi puts his hand on his thigh, rubs the clothed skin, eyes on Erwin.

"Better," he says, not sure if, for the first time, he wants Erwin to feel comfort in his words. But now, Erwin doesn't look like he needs it. Maybe, Levi just got it wrong. Maybe he's stupid after all.

"I suppose, you have to operate on your own for a while," Erwin continues, like they didn't just talk about it.

"I told you, I already made some decisions. You told me to if you couldn't."

Erwin just nods and his gaze empties, like his thoughts are suddenly far away. Levi's never seen him like that and for a moment, he just watches. He just watches, traces Erwin's well-featured face with his gaze, takes note of the small, healing cut on Erwin's chin. He looks at those bags under Erwin's eyes that are merely from the exhaustion of his injury and yet tell so much more. He looks at those blue eyes, the colour dim, not reaching Levi.

Erwin didn't break, Levi realises. He doesn't need comfort, because he just got even harder.

"What the hell are you spacing out for?" Levi asks, not caring to watch this any longer. Erwin comes back slowly, looks over, but the light in his eyes is still gone. It almost makes Levi shiver.

"Ah... it's nothing."

_Nothing_ . Levi wants to spit, but he doesn't. He simply returns Erwin's look for a moment, then lets his gaze dart up and down. Bitterly, he thinks of all the times they returned with wounded soldiers, all the angry words hailing down on Erwin. And he took them. He took them like he takes his own loss. Like it's nothing.

It's not surprising, but Levi suddenly wonders, where things will go from here on. Erwin won't be able to fight anymore. But Levi doubts that will stop him. In the end, Erwin  _is_ brilliant. He will think of something.

Levi pushes himself from his chair, but doesn't leave, instead places himself on the edge of the bed close to Erwin.

"Since your body is all useless now," Levi says. "Use your head and figure something out while I'm gone."

Erwin returns Levi's gaze with his usual calmness, a sparkle of light that's gone so quickly, that Levi can't appreciate it.  _This is not comfort_ , Levi thinks. Because Erwin doesn't need it. He'll never need it. Levi has seen many soldiers die and if they aren't dead before they can realise, they all scream and cry. But looking at Erwin, Levi knows; he won't.

The thought makes Levi reach out and he curls his hands around Erwin's collar, pulls him close. He closes his eyes, but stops before their lips touch, feels Erwin's breath on his skin, can almost taste him already.

"I will," Erwin says, almost a whisper and with the words, Levi pulls him closer for a kiss. Erwin's lips are chapped, but Levi doesn't care. He breathes out, his tongue swiping over the dry skin and Erwin lets him in. He tastes horrible, like a man who hardly escaped death, but he still tastes like Erwin, and Levi doesn't care. He just holds him close, welcomes Erwin's tongue that meets his.

The kiss is neither slow, nor hasty, neither rough, nor soft, neither heavy, nor light. It's like always and Levi feels like he's back on Erwin's desk, body exposed, with Erwin's hand all over him. But he's not. And possibly, will never be again.

Levi eases out of the kiss slowly, gives Erwin's lips a last swipe before he pulls off and immediately licks the taste Erwin left from his own lips. He leaves his hand around Erwin's collar, but backs off enough to look at him, sees the ever lasting rigidity of Commander Erwin Smith.

"Good," Levi says, lets go of Erwin's collar and is back on his feet in mere seconds. "I don't have time for creepy-old-man-chitchat. The kids are waiting."

"Levi wait."

Levi takes another step, but then turns around to look at Erwin again. He almost looks even more stern than usual. He will probably never ease his features, always look grim and hard. Never peaceful. He'll make the ugliest corpse ever.

Erwin shifts, his bandaged stump twitching as he obviously tries to reach out. He shifts again and does it with his left arm, opens the second drawer of the shelf beside the bed.

"Come here," he says, while he pulls something out. It sounds like an order and Levi doesn't hesitate to step closer to the bed. Erwin shifts back, holds his palm out and Levi's gaze wanders down. He almost grimaces at the sight.

Erwin's tie is resting there. That stupid bolo tie thing. The leather smooth and dark, unyielding, just like Erwin. The emerald clasp shines like it's been polished.

"Take it," Erwin says and to that, Levi looks up.

Erwin's eyes are shining now, like the clasp on his tie, polished, just blue. Very blue. Levi wants to slap him, but when he moves, it is to reach out and do as told. Erwin places the tie in Levi's palm, closes his fist around it. The clasp is cold on Levi's skin, but Erwin's hand is warm.

"Take good care of it for me."

Levi suppress a swallow, forces his throat to remain still and doesn't nod, just pulls his hand back. He doesn't even think about it, bends his left arm behind his back, the other one in front of his chest, presses the fist that holds Erwin's tie to his heart.

Erwin doesn't respond, or if he does, Levi doesn't see it. He turns on his heels and leaves the room without another word, holds onto the tie so hard that he almost fears it will shatter under his strength. A few corridors later, Levi stops.

He stands for a moment, then lowers his gaze and opens his palm. He never liked that stupid thing, always found it ridiculous. Still, looking at it now, Levi doesn't want to let go of it. Not ever. He places his thumb on the clasp, rubs the emerald carefully. It's smooth, but there's a small crack on the right and Levi feels it out. It's not unbreakable. Just like Erwin.

Levi raises his arm and holds the clasp to his mouth, his lips touching the smooth emerald, the small crack. It's warm now and Levi closes his eyes.

No. Erwin Smith doesn't need comfort.

But maybe, Levi does.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I somehow like to write titles in small letters. Looks more dramatic to me haha.  
> Well, I don't even know what to say to this. Something short, I was in a mood. Idk.
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day I guess (ू•ᴗ•ू❁)
> 
> (I also didn't know how to rate this like I guess it's pretty harmless, though there are a few 'mentions' so... idk.)


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